When I go to any supermarket here, I always carry out the exercise with military precision and only turn up when the least amount of fellow sufferers are expected to be there, otherwise it’s BOHICA.

This morning I had a clear and present objective: approach Disco (Maipu, Vicente Lopez) at 1000 zulu time, from the north, park the bike on the forecourt and reconnoitre, ensuring that enemy combatants are minimal, otherwise it could be FUBAR.

Once that is established, lock the bike, but ensure it’s facing the downward ramp for a rapid getaway.

Enter store, deposit military Bergen with overweight I couldn’t give a fuck security guard, head directly for the objective and secure the assets, taking care not to be diverted by enemy distraction techniques (for they are many and belicose).

Ignore the single cashier out of ten that is actually open, but with fifteen in line and silently smirk as you head for the much heralded auto-checkout.

Scan the assets with the weapon provided, remembering that on each and every other occasion that you’ve inserted yourself into said store, the device refused to behave automatically requiring assistance from the store commander.

Follow instructions on the device screen, hit finalise purchase, swipe your card (which isn’t accepted), wave your arms around as if you’re calling in an air strike at the RV or LZ.

Swipe the card again, but this time much faster as if you really mean it, input the security code, input your ID card number and finally input the last four digits of your mother’s social security number.

Secure the assets once more and deposit them post haste into your camo Bergen, ignoring the on-screen message of please take the receipt to the cashier for verification.

Scope the exit, ensuring it’s clear of any threats and exfil the area pronto, safe in the knowledge that the operation has been successful.

Don’t look back.

SNAFU